Sometimes What You’re Looking for is Not Looking for You
It’s the season of spring ephemerals in the high desert mountains where I live. For the last few years I have been trying to catch a peek at the stunner that is Pulsatilla. I recently took a (somewhat desperate and expectant, if I’m honest) hike into the mountains in search of this friend; while I didn’t find them, I did sit on a tree stump to write for my friend Lise’s writing group. I’m sharing it here today and further down— a couple exciting announcements from my healing arts practice Corpus Ritual. (And as always— thanks to the paid supporters and everyone who reads, alike. If you missed it— all posts will now be public :: no paywalls— but paid subscriptions really do keep this creative work supported.)
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I trot up the mountain in search of an ephemeral, the kind that pushes through the last reaches of winter’s snow, the kind that needs tiny hairs, everywhere, to protect their tender sprouts.
I trot up the mountain stopping far too often. Winter was unkind to me again; quick shock of shame— as if winter singles me out, as if I am that singularly important that winter says no.
As if winter knows my name, knows that this year I was just trying to stay alive again, as if winter remembers a few winters before when the tiniest foot bone and my tiniest terrier mix both shattered, perished, gone within minutes.
That day when Lou’s lungs filled with blood I could hear the wheezing but I could not get my 2000 Saturn down the mountain fast enough. Was I being punished again? What did I do wrong this time? I could not get out of my own way.
It is my fault. It is not my fault. Haunted, I am.
I did not think about bodies— how fragile— when I moved to the mountains only reachable by a dirt road.
Blackened trunks. Yellow sap running down the pines that remain. Yellow roots of the Oregon Grape; cleanse the liver, the anger, the fire in me. Temper the inflammation.
Spring arrives and I trot up the mountain trying to find this fuzzy being, maybe a purple bloom, a medicine for the panic, the sheer chaos of living. I do not find them.
I continue to wander, driven forward by the promise of discovery.
Instead I find an empty bird’s nest and a path through the woods that are no more. Fire took them, flames erased decades, lifetimes of knowing, in minutes turned to hours turned to days weeks months. It burned.
Life happens, we adapt. We beg to be spared. Often we are not. We grieve the losses. We pray for better days.
Sometimes what you’re looking for is not looking for you. You can blink all you want; no focus to be found. The plants say no and I am wise enough to listen.
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(Also— gotta say it— don’t worry about me— when I talk about "worrying I won’t make it”— I’m calling to the echoes of the aches of winters before, how they root in me, a kind of memory, another loss, in my limbs.)
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Three Fun Places to Find Me This Month:
Need some support during these complex times?
As always— I have virtual, sliding scale 1:1 sessions available— breathwork, herbal consultations, or biz consultation + mentorship sessions. I have just a few left for May and June is open too. You can learn all about them and book here.
Announcing ENERGY FIELDS: a monthly essence club! After years of rumination and creating an extensive number of energetic plant, flower, and environmental essences I’m excited to create a monthly essence club. The intention is to support your emotional, energetic, and spiritual realms through creative exploration and ceremony and the expansive energetics of an essence. Think FUN and PLAY and LISTENING DEEPLY TO PLANTS, LAND, and YOUR WISE SELF. I know I need more of this in my life as the horrors continue and necessary revolution continues too.
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Each month you will receive one essence—different each month—alongside some suggested somatic practices and writing prompts to explore your relationship with the essence. You will also receive a short piece of writing from me about the energetic essence in an envelope to be opened at the end of the month after you’ve explored the essence on your own— alongside a small natural pigment painting made by me working with the energy of the essence itself.
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Last day to receive the next month’s essence will be the 24th of each month— so if you want to get June’s— you must subscribe on or before May 24th, if you want July’s— you must sign up by June 24th and so on.
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This is a subscription club so you once you sign up, you will be billed every month— you can cancel at any time before the 24th of the month.
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Have questions? Just respond to this email!
Join a workshop on May 26th: (Dis)Embodiment: Finding the Body through Breath + Words
I’m excited to be collaborating with Vocational Poetics to bring you this virtual, sliding scale workshop on May 26th! (And do check out their other workshops— one this weekend!)
In this 2 hour workshop we will explore the interior of our brilliant, wise, and complex bodies through breathwork and somatic writing prompts. It is no easy thing to be a person with a body and yet, we are charged with finding our way through the world in these shapes. Utilizing breath to expand our consciousness, can we honor all of the ways we find embodiment and, at times, experience disembodiment? What’s available to us when we accept our shifting landscape? Can we listen closely? Translate the energetics into language?
This workshop will go between prompted writing practice and breathwork practice. We will work with Diaphragmatic breath and Three part breath to support the fullness of our nervous system. All bodies welcome— bring your sick body, your tired body, your grieving body, your radiant body, maybe even your joyful body!